Who Will Be Washington’s Top Jackass After Trump’s Eviction?

Who will be Washington's Top Assling After Trump's Eviction, Josh Hawley or Ted Cruz?
Who will be Washington's Top Assling After Trump's Eviction, Josh Hawley or Ted Cruz?

With only 12 days until Donald Trump’s eviction (unless he’s impeached first) one big question is who will replace him as Washington’s Top Assling when he’s gone? Yes I am binging The New Kingdom while watching Democracy burn, and also noticing Republican Senators Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz are locked in a tight race to carry the mantle as Top Turd.

Trump, Hawley and Cruz are now all pariahs, all given ownership to Wedneday’s Insurrection at the Capitol. And while Trump’s coup has effectively rendered his political future null and void — and with his twitter account now permanently banned, how could he campaign anyway? —  it is well known that Hawley and Cruz have eyes on a 2024 presidential run.

Let’s recall that all the way back to 11 days ago, it was possible, maybe even likely, that Wednesday’s Congressional certification of electors would have gone off without a hitch, as it has for the last 200 years in purely ceremonial terms. Prior to 11 days ago we had about 150 feckless and traitorous House Republicans who announced they planned to object to the electors during the count. This was not supposed to be a catastrophe, however, because at least one Senator had to also agree to object and there were none. (Objection from both chambers would merely postpone the inevitable certification for Joe Biden by imposing floor debates first.) Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who did not want to see a spectacle on the Senate floor, had successfully kept his caucus above the fray, pleading with them not to stoop to the level of the idiot GOPers in the House. Enter Josh Hawley.

Hawley, Senator from Missouri for all of two years now, and with more ambition than brains, saw this as his shining moment. In defiance of McConnell and to curry favor with MAGAworld — which he will need in four years — shamelessly announced Dec. 30, 2019 he would be the lone Senator to object to the certification so that farcical floor debates on voter fraud (there was none) could occur.

Two days later it occurred to Cruz, who has far more ambition than scruples, that Hawley was grabbing too much spotlight, so he too jumped on the bandwagon. This opened the door for more shameless legislators to pile on. (Read the names of the 147 Republicans who still objected to the election results after the Capitol attack here.)

Sedition Tomatoes Revised by Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons.com
Sedition Tomatoes Revised by Daryl Cagle, CagleCartoons.com

Cruz, from Texas, has long been a frontrunner for Top Assling, particularly in his own party for not being a team player. Who can forget during the 2016 election when he was Trump’s rival, Cruz’s sniveling indigence to Trump calling his wife ugly and suggesting his father was linked to JFK’s assassination, to then quickly brown-nosing Trump after his accidental win. A book Cruz released in 2016 “portrayed his fellow Republicans as corrupt hacks trying to hoodwink their own voters” — a particularly rich sentiment considering how Cruz has spent the last two months lying to his constituents and the American people about the existence of widespread voter fraud in this presidential election. (Editor’s note: for the gazillionth time there was no systemic voter fraud that affected the outcome of the election that Trump lost by 7 million votes.)

Just yesterday Cruz attempted to rewrite history as he threw Trump under the bus by saying he never agreed with the president’s inflammatory claims that led his MAGA followers to overthrow the Capitol.

“The president’s language and rhetoric often goes too far. I think, yesterday in particular, the president’s language and rhetoric crossed the line and it was reckless. I disagree with it, and I have disagreed with the president’s language and rhetoric for the last four years,” Cruz said.

I doubt that attempt to Jedi-mind-erase the public record on his assholery will work, but whatever.

Speaking of assholery, Hawley lost his book contract with Simon and Schuster yesterday because the publisher “cannot support Senator Hawley after his role [in the Capitol insurgency] in what became a dangerous threat.”

Hawley responded on Twitter that the cancellation of his book was an affront to the First Amendment … as if The First Amendment has anything to do with the decisions made by private companies.

You know what’s really an affront? Both of these asslings. And for the next four years we’ll get to watch as each tries to out-assling the other. The shit show never ends.


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About Olive America 69 Articles
Olive is the founder and editor of Cartoon State, a progressive blog that explores the drollery of U.S. politics in the age of Trumpism.


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