A super duper secret source within the White House has confirmed the contents of the presidential note Donald Trump left for Joe Biden in the Resolute Desk — and it was penned in Sharpie.
Biden confirmed on Inauguration Day that Trump had indeed left the personal note, but would not reveal its contents out of respect for Trump’s privacy. Biden called it “a very generous letter,” while a Trump aid told CNN it was written on Trump’s last night in the White House and invoked a hope of success for the country and new administration.
However, our super duper secret White House source has given Cartoon State a copy of the letter, a snapshot of which follows the text translation:
Jan. 19, 2021
Joe, by the time you read this I’ll be on my way to Florida. They say this is a tradition so here is a note. You’ll notice some changes around here from Melania’s decorating, like the new escalator that goes from the west hallway to the executive residence, but not up to
Melania’s spacethe third floor.
We also had the plumbing and water pressure fixed. In the presidential bathroom the shower is better now, it doesn’t just drip drip drip. I know you and Jill will get a new mattress and pillows. I don’t recommend the My Pillow foam pillows though, their [sic] pretty shitty, but don’t tell Mike Lindel [sic] I said so.
They left the Tivo boxes behind because I have extras at Mar-a-Lago. All the best channels are set to record: Fox, OAN, Newsmax and Hallmark. Here’s a tip — if you press the green button on the Tivo remote you can skip the commercials, which is mostly Mike selling his shitty pillows. LOL.
I’ll be back in some way. I’m thinking about starting a new party called the Patriot Party but the name is still up in the air — I don’t want people to confuse us with Bill Bellacheck’s [sic] football team. Did you know he refused the Medal of Freedom? What an idiot.
I hope you and Kamela [sic] take good care of our great Nation and the @POTUS Twitter account. Any chance I could use it from time to time? I’ll have my people call your people. Have a good life.
Donald J Trump
P.S. Pardon me for the Sharpie marks on the Resolute Desk. Seriously, pardon me! I need you to pardon me.